You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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