I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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