How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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