two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
