So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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