u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
