If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
