Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
