i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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