The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
