Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize