there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
