it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm getting married
To pizza
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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