Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
