Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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