listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
