a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm getting married
To pizza
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
