Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
