You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
