i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I AM VODKA MAN
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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