I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
