3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I am spending my child support on dildos
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
