can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
you would pick up someone in the library
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
