Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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