I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
