May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
