I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
