Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
