felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
