Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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