The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
