she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
