My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize