i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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