Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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