Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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