I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
