U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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