I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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