There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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