Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Randomize
