There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
