I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
