I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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