My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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