Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
