I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
