I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
