Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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