So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
