I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize