Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
