I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
