I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
