And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
