So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
