are you so shy because you have an std?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
