So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
