Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
