i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
