I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
