That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
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