trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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