It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
