Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
