Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
