There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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